How To Set Healthy Boundaries
Do you struggle to speak up in situations that might hurt someone's feelings? Or maybe you feel guilty telling someone, "No, I'm not interested in doing that." Setting healthy boundaries is all about listening to and honoring your physical and mental well-being. Learning how to communicate a healthy boundary is huge for your self-esteem, mental health, and relationships.
Let's learn about why people need personal boundaries, signs that it's time to speak up, and some real-life examples of how to set boundaries with your family members, children, intimate partnerships, and professional or social settings
Why do people need boundaries?
People need boundaries for a variety of reasons. When you establish boundaries, you're clearly telling people what you are and aren't ok with regarding communication, physical touch, availability, and emotional limits. People need boundaries to move through their life in a way that feels safe, healthy, and in line with how they want to live.
Sometimes setting boundaries feels bad, especially when you were raised in a household where you were responsible for the happiness of others. Some examples of why setting healthy boundaries might feel uncomfortable include:
● As a child, your parents got upset when you told them no, or tried to voice that their actions hurt your feelings, so you kept your struggles to yourself to keep the peace.
● Growing up, your physical boundaries weren't respected, resulting in discomfort voicing a physical boundary because it might be rejected or overridden, leaving you feeling powerless.
● At some point in life, you may have been conditioned to feel like your needs were "too much" or unreasonable, so those feelings persist when creating boundaries.
The more you practice setting a healthy boundary, the easier it will get. It's usually a lifelong process of learning how to communicate, understanding your needs, and then working on your boundary-setting skills.
Signs that boundaries are needed
If you're new to boundary setting, it might be hard to read the signs that it's time to speak up. There are a few clues that may help you understand if there are boundary issues or personal needs that aren't being met, and they include:
● Ruminating. If you can't stop thinking about a specific scenario or person negatively, perhaps dreading a potential situation or feeling off about an experience, you might need a boundary. To understand this, you need to look at your personal values and goals. What kind of interactions do you want in your life? Is someone contributing to negative interactions?
● Resentment. Typically, resentments start creeping in for one main reason — failed expectations. If you expect someone to act a certain way, and they don't, resentment can start brewing. If your partner goes out a lot while you're home taking care of the family, you may begin to feel resentful. But let's stop there. Have you communicated your needs clearly? What do you need for your physical and emotional well-being?
● Fear. Fear pops up in different forms. New relationships and specific family dynamics are usually the biggest triggers that activate our "fear brain," the part of our brain that sends us into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state. If you're feeling fear around a situation, sexual activity with a romantic partner, a work obligation, or any other scenario, it's worthwhile to assess your feelings and then set healthy boundaries if necessary.
Learning how to identify your personal and emotional boundaries and then communicating them is an act of self-care. It can feel scary, and you can do this.
Examples of healthy boundaries
Now let's take a look at some examples of what setting and maintaining boundaries look like in a few common scenarios. It's easy for unhealthy boundaries to exist, i.e., the absence of boundaries, which can lead to toxic relationships and a disregard for your own needs.
Setting boundaries in relationships
Relationships with friends and romantic partners are some of the most impactful relationships. They require sensitivities toward each person's lived experiences. Some people have experienced unhealthy boundaries. You can sometimes avoid or repair relationship problems by setting healthy boundaries.
Examples of what to say to build healthy relationships:
I need some time to myself. I love being around you, and I also value alone time.
I prefer not to kiss on a first date. It's nothing personal, just what works best for me.
I'm going to stay in tonight. I appreciate the invitation (you don't have to explain yourself).
I'd like to spend time with you. Can we make that happen?
When I set boundaries, I feel nervous. Are you in a mental space to be able to hear my issue?
Setting boundaries with your parents
Relationships with parents and caregivers can be complicated, especially when you're no longer a child. Speaking freely and setting clear boundaries with your family is perfectly acceptable. It's also worth noting that parent and adult-child relationships carry the most guilt because those feelings are often derived from these very relationships in childhood. It's ok if you feel uncomfortable voicing these hard truths. It's also ok to set the boundary anyway.
Below, you'll find some examples of what these kinds of relationship boundaries can sound like.
Please don't share the personal details of my life with my siblings. If I want to tell them, I will.
I feel overwhelmed when you show up at my house unannounced. I would like you to call ahead of time to ensure I'm up for a visit.
I need some personal space right now as I work through things.
When I call to talk about something I'm stressed about, I'd prefer you to listen and offer support instead of offering solutions. I want to and am capable of solving my own problems.
I don't want to hear about your relationship problems with mom. Please share those with her or someone else because it makes me uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries at work
It's easy for blurred work-life boundaries to crop up. Personal relationships in the office are different, and often, there are power imbalances that might require a delicate or more aggressive touch, depending on the situation. At work, poor boundaries lead to resentment and burnout. If your boss is making unreasonable demands, here are some examples of how to approach co-workers in the office.
I appreciate the offer to work overtime, but I don't have the time and energy this week.
My phone is set to Do Not Disturb after work hours. I'll respond to emails in the morning.
While on vacation, I won't be available to take calls.
I'm happy to offer solutions where possible, but I'd prefer not to talk about coworkers behind their backs.
I need you to communicate when you need extra support because our team is counting on you.
Expect pushback
As a final takeaway, remember that people will sometimes push back against a good boundary. This is normal. People come into situations with their own issues. Sometimes healthy boundaries can feel threatening because, perhaps, they weren't always safe to voice their needs, resulting in boundaries feeling like a life-or-death scenario (when the brain sees "threat," it goes into primal mode regardless of whether it's a genuine threat or not).
Keep working on speaking those healthy boundaries. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If you're struggling to set boundaries, you can always connect with a mental health professional who can practice with you and walk you through the process of voicing your needs and creating better boundaries.
